BBC Six Music Podcasts.
Six Music.
This is a free download from the BBC.
Find out more at bbc.co.uk slash six music.
And now, Adam and Joe.
Hello, this is Adam.
Hey, this is Joe, and welcome to podcast number, what is it?
Well, you see, I think it's podcast number nine, but then there's ten actual things that have flopped into people's boxes, but I say this almost every podcast.
It's podcast number nine.
Deal with it.
Now listen, this time on the show, Joe was back.
He got back from L.A.
Hooray!
Joe's back.
Joe's brilliant.
I love Joe.
He's fantastic.
He's great.
He's got a ready wit, a cheeky smile, and a wonderful singing voice.
And we discovered that the bad dad rap
one Song Wars this week from from last week so obviously we're not going to play that again because that was featured on the last podcast and of course if you do want to hear it again you can you can listen again to the show anytime this week.
And what else happened in the program?
All sorts of exciting things.
Remind me.
Chit chat about Easter eggs, a great text the nation, all sorts of random riffing, and possibly the most factual inaccuracies in any radio program in the history of radio.
Well, we're both a little tired, I think.
And stupid.
You're a jet slag.
I'm jet slagged.
You've got jet slag, and I slept badly, my neck's all cricked.
We're both stupid and lazy.
Also, yeah, when you factor in how stupid and lazy we are, it's a recipe for disaster.
And old.
And old and ugly.
Brain's dying.
You're ugly.
I'm gorgeous.
You're a little bit.
You're getting ugly.
Am I?
A little bit.
I don't think so.
I think I'm maturing into my looks.
All right, here we go.
Enjoy.
I'm wicked.
Hello again from the big British castle.
We hope you're happy with the service that you're paying for.
If you're not, please let us know and we will change it all.
Because we don't want you to knock the castle down with giant sticks.
This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music.
My name's Joe Cornish and I'd like to launch an official complaint.
What's your problem?
I don't think I'm alone with this complaint.
In fact, I turned on the telly this morning and is he called Phil Vickery?
The chef from daytime telly, someone, either him or someone of his ilk, was on breakfast TV complaining about the same thing, just the general standard of Easter eggs.
It's Easter weekend, Easter eggs.
If you go into a major supermarket, there are literally entire aisles, like walls of a fortress built of Easter eggs.
Mostly Cadbury and Nestle, they're the two chief egg manufacturers, although other eggs are available, but they seem to have pretty much cornered the market.
in eggs.
And what a delicious market it is too.
What a tasty, tasty, overpriced, overpackaged market it is.
What?
The thing that really annoys me about Easter eggs, and Adam and I have talked about this before, is since when is it satisfactory to mount the sweets beside the egg?
Right.
When we were children, when I was young,
Easter eggs would have stuff inside them.
Yes.
In a little packet, sure.
But it was the... that's what eggs are about.
Exactly.
When God made eggs, he made them as containers for something.
He did not mount the yolk beside the shell in a plastic vacuum park.
Did he?
Yeah.
No, he didn't.
No.
But now the big corporations are messing with our eggs.
They're messing with nature.
No, they're not content.
to pass a stem cell embryo, Bill.
They're messing with chocolate eggs as well.
Yeah.
On top of the human ones.
Yeah.
By mounting the sweets on the outside.
Chocolate stem cells would be nice, come to think of it.
Imagine.
Delicious.
For instance, Smarties Easter egg.
A hollow egg, two tubes of Smarties mounted beside it.
That is a disgrace.
Has there been recent legislation about this?
Because, I mean, certainly, in my recent memory, the Buttons egg had, like, a little sachet of Buttons inside it.
Is that no longer the case?
I can't be specific about eggs, but maybe some listeners can tell us.
As far as I know, the vast majority of eggs now have the contents mounted beside them.
I bet it's anti-terror legislation.
Well, let's think what it could be.
Anti-terror legislation in case the terrorists are trying to put bombs in the eggs.
Because they would do that.
They would stop at nothing.
An enterprising terrorist.
They're devious.
The Easter egg would be top of his list.
Infiltrate Cadbury's... Hey guys!
I had a good idea!
What nationality is that terrorist?
He's from all over.
He travels around.
I've had a good idea!
You know Easter eggs?
We could put bums in there!
He's German.
He's from all over the area.
It doesn't take much to get into Cadbury's.
No.
Just a white coat, white hat, one of those white face masks.
Right.
Egg Inspector.
that's what you say yeah as you go inspecting the eggs and you're in yeah pop a bomb in bish bash bosh that's it easter sunday as well you know sensitive day that is anyway you wouldn't want a bomb to go off on easter sunday bad bad business yeah
Another reason could be that children these days don't understand the meaning of concealing things.
You know, if they can't see the sweets, they don't believe they're there.
They have to be mounted beside in a presentational manner.
It sort of goes against the idea of faith in itself, really, doesn't it?
Absolutely.
Jesus would have wanted the sweets inside.
Exactly.
Have faith in the egg.
And then sometimes he wouldn't have even put sweets inside.
And when people complained, he would have said, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Sent them to hell.
And sent them directly to hell.
Do not pass go.
Exactly.
No, he would have said, listen, you've got to have a little bit of faith.
Maybe the next egg might have some buttons in there.
Yeah.
Or some smarties.
And since when are you allowed to package eggs in plastic vacuum packs?
They used to be in cardboard, didn't they?
There used to be a lovely folded bit of cardboard with an egg-shaped hole that would sit diagonally in the box.
And within it, the Easter egg would sit.
And it would be fun to have a bit of your egg
then reconstruct it, see if you could make it whole again, wrap it in the tinfoil again, and sort of puff the tinfoil out so it said it was the illusion of having a whole egg.
Put it back in the cardboard thing, put it in the correct position in the box, it's as if you've got a whole new Easter egg again.
Can't really do that anymore.
So my plea to anybody who's associated with Easter egg manufacturings is just pull your fingers out, rewind, put the sweets inside the egg,
make the whole package cardboard.
jam what strawberry jam that's a really nice story that's a great film you know mel i'm sure would have been on that he would have been on that he was probably stopped luckily at the last minute textination text text text textination what if i don't want to textination but i'm using email is that a problem it doesn't matter text
Yes, it's Text the Nation time, the nation's favourite feature, as voted for by readers of Chit Chat magazine, a non-existent magazine that didn't do a poll, but we're trying to simulate an atmosphere of excitement and importance around this thing.
Yeah, exactly.
And it's won an award as well, I think, this feature.
It has won an Oscar.
It's won an Oscar.
It won the Oscar for Best Special Effects.
It's not Oscar, it's not like an Academy Award, it's spelt slightly differently.
Yeah, with a K and an A-A-A-H at the end.
But it's one, one of those Oscars.
An Oscar.
Now this is a fun thing to do, I'm sure you guys do it at home.
Prove it.
You know, listeners, because one fun thing to do, for example, everyone knows, is to make up names of bands that don't exist, like make up new band names.
That's a fun thing to do.
another thing i think is which is fun is to make up new cop show ideas right and that's what we're going to be doing today on text the nation because lord alone knows there's no shortage of ridiculous stupid new cop shows on tv with ludicrous titles
and just when you think there couldn't be anything more stupid a new stupider cop show will come along and specifically i'm thinking about a show that's being trailed at the moment uh which is called i think it's called moonlight and it's about a vampire cop
And just, I was thinking, a vampire cop, are you serious?
And this is hot on the heels of Dexter, who's the serial killer cop, have you seen that one?
Yeah, he kills others, he only kills serial killers though.
He kills, that's right, yeah.
What does that do with your moral compass?
Ooh, sends it spinning.
Spinning, all the way to the sofa for an appointment with you.
Anyway, that's Dexter, uh, Moonlight, and I was thinking, Vampire Cop, that is ridiculous!
A little quick search on the internet reveals that that is only, it's about the third Vampire Cop TV show there's been.
Blood Ties, Forever Night, uh, Angel as well, um, all more or less, uh, vampire or supernatural cops.
Of course there's the Gardening Detectives,
Uh, Rosemary and Thyme.
Rosemary and Thyme, yeah.
Um, so we want you guys out there to suggest new ideas for cop shows, crazy new ways- There's a lot of money in it.
If you can work out the correct cop show formula, and you send it to the Big British Castle, if it's good, and it only needs to be one line, it could fit in the text, if it's good, you'll be commissioned instantly.
Yeah.
Within weeks, it'll be on air.
That's a guarantee.
That's a guarantee.
Asterisk.
And if it's not the Big British Castle- This is not a guarantee.
then ITV 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 will take it or more 4.
Well a lot of these cop shows are showing on all kinds of strange little digital channels, you know what I mean?
So there's all sorts of places you could get your new ridiculous cop show.
Watch out, here's another little bit It might be wicked, it might be one of the weaker bits But that's cool, I like weaker bits I can handle up to three
That's not Mowgli.
It's Moby.
He's the bald Snooker Q headed singer who our producer Jude is in love with.
She loves him.
She loves him.
I can't see how that's possible.
Give me a Moby.
He's not a man.
He's a hairy baby.
Un-hairy baby.
He's stubbly.
He's a stubbly baby.
Yeah.
Do you know any Moby facts?
I don't know any Moby facts.
I know that he likes to sell his tunes to car companies.
Not anymore.
That's a Moby cliche.
He hasn't done it for ages.
Hasn't he?
Everybody sold their tunes to car companies at one stage or another.
That's true.
You know?
It's true.
I don't know any other Moby Facts.
No.
If someone approached us to sell one of our stupid songs to a car company from Song Wars... Oh, like a shot.
Like an absolute shot.
Like a shot.
Wouldn't hesitate.
What about for a nuclear bomb, to advertise a nuclear bomb?
Yes, yes.
Yeah.
to play out of speakers on the nuclear bomb.
Right.
Just to make it extra miserable.
As it fell.
Which one, which song would be good for that one?
Any of them.
Yeah.
The all-new Adam and Jo podcast has an all-new name.
So here are some ideas I'm going to pitch now to Adam for new high concept cop shows.
Are you ready?
I am.
Okay, I'm going to get through them quite quickly.
Sky cops, exclamation mark.
Two skydiving cops patrol the sky for baddies who are attempting to escape from planes by skydiving.
Whenever they get near the ground, they just arc their bodies and zoom upwards again in search of more crime.
That's good.
Can skydivers do that?
They always do that on telly.
They can do it if they're still in the air.
They can't go back up again.
Can't they?
Because they do that in James Bond films.
Skydivers on telly in films seem to be able to go up and down willy-nilly.
They don't actually go up.
What they do is they stop dropping quite so fast.
So it appears that they're going up.
I'm not sure about that.
I'm pretty sure about that.
In my show they can go up.
No, there's gravity.
Okay, so you don't want that one?
I've got some doubts about that one.
There's lots of these.
Speak faster.
Try another one.
The Siamese Detective.
Siamese twins.
Good cop, bad cop.
Disguises!
I like it.
Yeah?
The S you can have that one, that's commission.
Is that a commission?
Rollercops.
That starts next week.
Rollercops.
In the 70s.
Rollerskates.
Seems a little bit subconsciously kitsch, yeah.
The fluey detective.
Passes colds onto suspects.
Tracks who they associate with by who else sneezes.
I really like that one.
Yeah?
Yeah.
The fluey detective.
I really like it.
Is that a commission?
Because everyone gets flu.
How about this one?
Sergeant Wiggle.
Detective finds himself
body swapped with a worm.
Very slow investigation of garden-based murders.
Communicates by forming letters and numbers with his body, a bit like in The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.
Series 2, he gets cut in half, the other half becomes his sidekick.
That's nice.
Sergeant Weagle.
I think that would be good for children as well.
Possibly for children.
Yeah.
What sort of crimes though?
Just leaving things out.
Yes, exactly.
Pesticides, that kind of thing.
Bumper car cops.
So is Sergeant Wiggle a goer?
Yes, that's been commissioned.
Bumper car cops.
They patrol funfairs and enforce bumper car rules.
Many car chase sequences which always last exactly four minutes.
I don't think you need to call it bumper car cops.
I think just bumper cops.
Bumper cops.
I like it.
That's why you're in the job you're in.
Yeah, I get paid a lot of money.
Okay, another one?
Yes, I commissioned that one as well.
I'm doing well, I've got four.
I'm gonna put Bumper Cops on Wednesday nights.
I'm gonna put it on Thursdays instead of Mitchell & Webb.
Really?
Yeah, even though I like Mitchell & Webb, but I'm gonna put Bumper Cops on first.
CROPS.
It's an acronym.
C-R-O-P-S.
Farm Police.
Nice.
Central Rural Operational Police Service.
Combine Harvester Chase, Fistfighting Pigsty, etc.
Very good.
CROPS.
CROPS.
And you can have, a bit like WITNESS, you can have a lot of denouement in silos.
Silos.
Lots of being dragged by grain.
Grain silos.
I love grain silos.
One more.
Is CROPS a goer?
I'm commissioning CROPS, yes.
One more.
Night sticks.
This is teen- what?
This is teenage cops.
It's like skins, but with the police.
Night sticks.
A.K.A.
on the beat.
Okay, because they're dancing.
Teenage cop trainees sleep with each other and take drugs a lot, like skins.
Night sticks.
I like it.
And they could have those glow sticks, you know?
Yeah, they could.
It's mainly, you know, relating to their willies.
Oh, okay.
Nightsticks.
Yes.
Who calls their willy their nightstick?
Young policemen.
Just talking.
Now we're in the middle of Text the Nation, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be reading out some of your texts, but now it's my turn to pitch a few of my new cop show ideas.
So I was thinking about, I was thinking about a tramp cop, yeah?
Yes.
And he's called Sergeant Vagrant.
Nice.
Right?
Yeah.
And he just goes around, he's got an alternative lifestyle, you know, and throughout the series you would find out little bits and pieces of information about how he came to be on the streets, you know?
So it's got like quite a serious little undertow to the whole thing.
Right.
But he's, you know, working within the homeless community and stuff and solving murders and stuff.
It's quite a serious show.
But it's got a fun title.
Sergeant Vagrant.
Sergeant Vagrant.
Yes.
Does he have a catchphrase?
A hook.
It'd be good to have a hook, wouldn't it?
You know, Kojak's got his lolly.
"'Cause you lend us Ted B for a cup of tea!"
That's his catchphrase.
Yes.
I mean, he's struggling with alcoholism and all kinds of problems, because he's a real vagrant, you know, he's not undercover.
That's the thing.
You would think that maybe he was undercover, but he's not.
He's actually homeless.
So that's Sergeant Vagrant.
What are you... will you commission it?
No, I won't.
Because it's too depressing.
Is it?
I'll tell you what I will do though.
No, but it would be not depressing.
It would be inspiring.
And it wouldn't be a realistic portrayal of what it's like to be homeless.
Don't worry about that.
It wouldn't be depressing in that way.
It would be very upbeat and it would make out like all homeless people are inspirational.
You're babbling.
And they're out there by their own choice.
Why don't you speak to Jane McTurnbull?
She's head of the community.
I spoke to Jane McTurnbull.
She said it was a grotesque idea.
She's head of the Communities and Charities Division programming department.
Speak to her, that's not a mainstream idea.
How about this one?
Ghost Cop.
And it's called Haunter.
and he's called Haunter and Mike Haunter.
Mike Haunter?
Yes, he was shot in a raid.
He was shot in a raid.
And now he's come back to solve the crime.
And then after he's solved that, he's going to solve other crimes.
Haunter.
Mike Haunter.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
That's his catchphrase.
Feels a bit passé.
What?
Got any worm-based ideas?
Oh, Mr Wiggles I commissioned.
off you.
Sergeant Wiggles, Detective Wiggles, whatever it was.
And you're not a commissioning haunter.
You've been fired from your commissioning job, now the boot's on the other foot and you're not doing very well.
Alright then, what about this?
A bit like Charlie's Angels this would be, right?
Model cops.
And it's called Pretty Please?
Yep, keep talking.
that's it that's all i've got i like it pretty please i like it can amanda holden be in it yes she can it's on you've got yourself a commission she can be the hard-bitten um you know detective inspector the chief inspector chief inspector amanda hold they've got a report to amanda holding the end of each inspector exactly yeah chief inspect her i like that write that down so that's all i had really got sergeant vagrant
No.
Haunter?
You're not commissioning Haunter?
Haunter's too derivative.
Derivative of what?
Of other shows about ghost cops.
There's none.
I'm sure there are.
I don't believe there are any.
I've done my research.
Randall and Hopkirk Deceit.
Apart from Randall and Hopkirk Deceit and all the other ones, there's none.
Hi, this is A Sexy Woman, and you're listening to the highlights of the Adam and Jo BBC Six Music show.
Ooh, this podcast has got me so hot.
I'm too hot.
I'm gonna have to sit down and take off my cardigan.
Ooh, I'm boiling.
That's C.S.S.
What does C.S.S.
stand for again?
Can say de ser sexy.
Yeah, that's what it stands for, what she said.
They're Brazilian, aren't they?
Si.
They're from Brazil.
That was recorded in the Six Music Hub for Gideon Coe on the 27th of February 2007.
You wouldn't tell though, would you?
No, that was well recorded.
Sounds like a studio production, doesn't it?
Well, I would think that a band like that... I just don't believe that they're that talented.
What are you saying, that it's all sequenced?
Yeah.
really like those buskers that just have it all recorded and then play that I think they sang live over you know they just plugged in that's what I would do Gideon wouldn't stand for that I'm not putting them down I'm just saying Gideon can tell that kind of thing you know there's a certain amount of skill I'm sure that went into constructing all those loops and samples and playing over them and sequencing them and everything but then once you've done that
It's probably written by Chesney Hawkes.
He writes most of the pop songs these days.
Because he sells them to other groups.
Chesney and Howard Jones.
They write all the songs.
It's true.
Is it?
It is.
Did you find everything you're looking for today?
Uh, that's what they say in, um, in HMV, isn't it?
That's what they say everywhere now.
Do they?
Yeah, and they say it in Zavi now as well.
Do they?
Do you find everything you're looking for today?
Yeah, have you ever said, would you like a copy of Garden State for four pounds?
Yeah.
It's the other thing they say.
You've spent over twenty pounds, so anything in front of you is four pounds.
Carl Pilkington's Little Book of Worries for two pounds?
Have you ever said, uh, because every time they say, did you find everything you're looking for, the answer is always no.
No, my answer is yes.
The true.
You who?
Yes, you.
You spotty man.
Take off your promotional t-shirt, you spotty man.
I want to see your pale pink nipples.
Let me rub your plump, glittering flesh stars in the constellation of your hairy chest.
I want to touch your sallow skin.
Pull down your stinky jeans.
Reveal your strange pale blue boxer shorts with a picture of Mickey Mouse on the bum.
have you ever said to them that no I didn't find what I was looking for can you please help me because then presumably they would just go you know what would they do then they go I didn't mean I was just saying exactly so oh what couldn't you find I couldn't find an album by the Walker brothers that I want to listen to have you tried looking in the Walker brothers section
that's what it would that's what would happen nothing more spectacular than that you know what I mean like they they ask you the question as if some kind of robot is gonna come and okay well we'll find Findox we'll call up Findox he's gonna come up you have activated Findox because you said you could not find something that you were looking for I will help you find it and off Findox looks in the Walker Brothers section
No, we haven't got it.
Is there anything else I can help you with?
I like the sound of fine docs, you know?
But I don't believe they do have fine docs.
I just don't think they've got anything.
Did you know that since they started asking customers, have you found everything you're looking for, their profits have gone up by 24.6% across the board.
That's great.
That's a good statistic.
Isn't that amazing?
Yeah.
I mean, I made that up, but it could be true.
Yeah.
I mean, it must be true.
It probably is true.
It must be true.
Because a lot of people can't find what they're looking for in record stores.
What do you think they would say if Bono came up?
Uh, yeah.
Record then?
Come on, you'd get another five minutes out of that.
And here's one that's come in from Akira in Grimsby.
OK, this is just a very punny one to kick us off.
Yes.
My idea for a cop show is a Spanish cop who is also a Hollywood director.
He arrests very bad men and then makes millions from his own movie adaptations of their crimes.
We all know you can make an extra 50% profit by sticking a based on real events line on a poster.
The show is called Francis Ford Cop Hola.
Yeah?
Yeah, you don't pronounce the H, of course.
Coppola.
That's what I mean.
That's true.
Coppola.
So it works perfectly.
Pete, in Edinburgh.
Binmen Cops.
The show is called Taking The Trash Out.
Yeah?
Or just Taking Out The Trash.
Taking Out The Trash.
Yeah.
Okay, ready for another one?
Oh, that was just, that was it.
That was it.
That's just a hard, fast, you know, it's a quick pitch.
I like that one, though.
That's good.
You could go through all the rubbish for clues and stuff.
There's all sorts of things.
And they look nice, you know?
Binmen.
Martin in Timberley has a copper who solves crimes whilst constantly fiddling with his music player.
I plod.
Pretty good.
That's good.
Here's an anonymous one.
But it's brilliant.
A one-eyed private eye bringing justice to the mean streets of mythical Greece.
Private one-eye?
Klops.
Klops?
Yeah.
It could even be PSI Klops.
I think that would be good.
Psychic Cyclopses.
Cyclops.
Cyclops.
I like that one.
That's very good, isn't it?
You could get Ray Harryhausen.
Is he still alive?
Yes, he is.
He just moves a little.
Takes ages.
What about this from Chef John Twitcher?
A birdwatching detective who spots crimes through his binoculars in areas of outstanding natural beauty and aviaries.
That's perfect for the BBC.
twitcher yeah you could have oddy in a sort of minor supporting role as the chief maybe yeah uh it could be sponsored by the national trust and it's all undercover he goes around and it's like one minute a beautiful rare chaffinch the next minute a violent stabbing now has this ever happened to you no okay music then no i was on the plane yeah coming back
And did you ever just take, like, random dislikes to people for no apparent reason at all?
Just sort of fixate on a complete stranger and decide that you load them.
What kind of person would do that?
He was a man on the plane, and he had a cold.
Yeah.
And he was coughing, and he wasn't covering his mouth.
Well, if you're in a- Really loudly.
Yeah, those kind of irrational dislikes really take hold when you're in a confined space.
Absolutely.
Not only was he coughing, but then he was sniffing.
Mm.
literally like that every 35 to 40 seconds.
Like that.
Oh dear.
Okay so that was the beginning.
All the germs.
I don't like that man.
Circulating around the cabin.
Then I noticed his socks.
They were black with pink flowers on them and one of them was inside out.
This was a man in his mid 40s.
Yeah.
Black socks, pink flowers, one of them the wrong way around.
Poor bloke.
Fun-loving black pink sock wearing man.
I took such a disliking to him.
I was in a bad mood anyway.
He's got a cold.
I thought, I'm going to stand up, I'm going to tell you to cover your mouth.
I'm going to say something like, didn't your mother teach you to cover your mouth when you cough?
You can get arrested for that on planes nowadays.
So I started staring at him.
Oh no.
He saw me looking at him and I think he thought I liked him.
Right.
Because he started staring back and he smiled.
So I smiled.
Because what can you do?
He smiled.
I went... I smiled.
And now you're married.
I think he fancied me.
Yeah.
I think he fancied me and he thought I was playing eyes.
Little did he know that it was that I loathed him.
Yeah.
It was completely the other way around.
These are daggers, not love hearts, you ludicrous fruit man.
Duffed my earplugs as deep as they'd go into my ears and tried to fall asleep.
It pretty much worked.
Then I overheard him talking to the hostess.
He had a slightly kind of Ronnie Corbett in Sorry sort of a voice.
Like he still lived with his mum.
Like he was slightly pathetic.
Right, kind of talking a little bit like... Slightly needy, yes, exactly.
That's absolutely terrific.
But do you have any more peanuts at all?
Could I have another little bowl of peanuts?
Would that be possible?
That sort of voice.
I started hating him so much.
I had to breathe very deeply and control my anger.
But you know what, by the end of the flight... You loved him.
I loved him.
Good.
It was the socks that really got me though.
The socks were the big problem.
They were pathetic.
Oh dear.
I think we should more or less start wrapping up.
Really?
There's so many.
Have we got loads?
I've hardly got through them all.
Well, let's hear a few then, come on.
OK, here we go.
Carrigan and Bungle.
Renegade Irish-American cop tackles youth crime with a gay bear.
I like it.
Yes or no, Commissioner?
Uh, yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Carrigan and Bungle.
Kids, maybe CBBC?
CBBC?
Simon Amstel to produce.
Great.
OK, here's another one from... That previous one was anonymous.
This is one from James from Surbiton.
My idea is boycrab.
A boy solves petty crime with help from his crime-solving pet crab, which he carries around in a bucket.
I thought you said boycrab.
I was thinking, what the heck kind of show would that be?
What did you think I said?
Boycrab.
Oh, crap with a P. Yeah.
Boycrab is nicer though.
That's different.
That's good.
I like the idea of the boy carrying around the crab in the bucket.
That's a very, you know, nostalgic image.
It's never been used for a crime series before, which surprises me.
Not to my knowledge, anyway.
You know, good cop, bad cop, the boy's all soft-peddling, the crab, dang, dang, nip, nip, nip, coming in with the clackers.
And the crab can speak, then?
Uh, who knows?
Well, maybe he just uses his nippers.
And the boy says, listen, don't make me put the crab on you.
Maybe.
You know?
Maybe.
Nip, nip, nip.
It's like sort of waterboarding.
Yeah.
Isn't it?
Put the bucket over someone's head, the crab's in there.
I'd say it's worse than waterboarding.
It's worse than waterboarding.
You know, they wouldn't let crabs in Guantanamo.
No.
Because they'd say, that's going too far.
That's too far.
Patrick in Streatham offers Elephant and Castle.
Brackets deceased the ghosts of Roy castle and an elephant solve crimes in South London.
Well, that's insane.
I'm not commissioned Oh, that's good.
He's good.
There's something good about it I'm not gonna deny that you're flicking through the channels.
You saw the ghost of Roy castle and an elephant It'll happen making their way through South London give it 10 years and I will commission it Kristen tooting offers the following text helicopters enough said yeah, that's a good one Chris
Okay, Matt suggests Cops.
C-O-P-S-E.
Cops.
Based at a police station in a big wood.
Sample episodes.
Logjam.
Moss thieves.
Woodpecker blues.
He's got it all worked out.
He's got it all figured out, Matt.
Are you commissioning that?
Cops.
Yes, I am.
Again, that's a good afternoon show.
It's wall-to-wall cop shows on Buxton's BBC.
already.
How much worse can it get?
Pete in Cambridge, Judge Fudge.
A West Country barrister who rides around Somerset on a penny farthing solving confectionery-based crimes whilst chewing on fudge and toffee.
He always carries a toffee hammer which doubles as his gavel when sentencing the sweetie thieves at the end of each episode.
John Greenfield has this idea.
In a nightmarish future dystopia where humans have been trapped in slavery by the New World Order, only an ostrich can save the world.
That's just silly, isn't it?
What's that called?
Doesn't have a name.
He doesn't even have a name!
He's just... you read out his little screed of nonsense.
I thought it was very evocative.
How come that one didn't get filtered out?
It was evocative.
Let's see?
Nightmarish dystopia.
What the heck are you doing?
That was a great chat!
Here comes another!
Adam and Joe are rocking the podcast now!
Oh, Martin.
So while I was in Los Angeles, I went to see a film that's out here in the UK.
It's called 10,000 B.C.
Now, this is the guy that did Day After Tomorrow and Independence Day and Stargate and all that sort of business, Roland Emmerich.
He's made some of the worst films of all time.
Well, you might say that, or you might say he's made some of the best films of all time, depending on whether you liked his films or not.
That would be another way of looking at it.
He famously made the most expensive student film ever.
Oh, right.
I forget what it was called, as usual on this show.
We tend to forget what everything's called.
But it was a massively expensive science fiction epic.
Yeah.
And then he was catapulted to stardom with his exciting film Stargate.
And he's got a new one now.
And it's all about cavemen.
It stars cavemen and ladies, and it's always difficult to name them, isn't it?
If you're writing a script.
Well, do they, first question, they're not speaking English, presumably.
Yes, they are speaking English.
What would your caveman name be, do you think, if you were a caveman?
Well, the obvious ones are, you know, Ugg and Grunty.
Mine would be... Well, the lead in 10,000 BC, his name is Dule.
Spelled D apostrophe L E H. D'leh.
Which is almost Meh-eh.
Meh-eh.
Or D'uh brain.
Well someone, if there's someone called D'leh, then there will be someone called Meh-eh.
They don't turn up in the film.
His girlfriend is called Evole.
Oh.
Evole.
It's a beautiful name.
Your name is beautiful.
A beautiful name.
Evole.
I have not heard that one before.
Put sausage in pocket.
They don't say that.
Another character is called Tick-Tick.
Tick-Tick, is he fun?
Tick-Tick.
Oh, Tick-Tick.
Oh, delay.
Oh, sausage in pocket.
Is Tick-Tick cheeky?
He, I can't remember.
I can't remember which was which.
There should be a character called Tick-Tacks.
Or Pritt-Stick.
But there isn't.
And the baddie's just called Warlord.
Yes.
No, he's not.
He is Warlord.
Warlord.
They're very clean cavemen in 10,000 BC.
And do they talk a bit like this in the film?
Yes, they say things like, we are tired, we sleep here.
Yeah, and... The four-legged monsters are approaching.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's not very good dialogue, is it?
No.
And you will always be in my heart.
Oh, so they've worked out hard.
They speak like they're on the O.C.
Yeah.
It's very all over the place.
They've got very white teeth.
They've all got hair like Lenny Kravitz.
They worship the girl with the blue eyes.
Right.
It's a bit racially suspicious, this film.
Is it?
Is it?
It is, yeah.
All blind people and old people in the film have powers of prophetic visions.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
It's a very Roland Emmerich thing as well.
Right.
But the point of this whole thing is to warn people not to see it.
Just don't see it.
Because my wife was very excited by the prospect.
She loves a loincloth.
She loves loincloth.
She likes primeval civilization.
That's why she married you.
Exactly right.
She likes to live in a time that seems like the dawn of man.
She likes the kind of basic form of human.
Sausage in pocket.
Hairy man.
That is why she likes me.
Well, that's it for another podcast.
And that was really, really, really, really, really good, wasn't it?
It was very good.
Yeah, really good.
Just so you know, listeners, we have still got plans for other Bits and Bobs to stick on iTunes, whether it's a Song Wars album.
Might have to charge you for that, though, listeners.
Would you consider that a smack in the teeth?
No, I'd like to pay a lot of money for it, please.
Oh, good.
Thanks, listener.
Also, you know, we might be doing like a sort of extra podcast spoken word thing.
Oh, that sounds awful.
Oh, really?
Would you be disappointed?
Yes.
Oh, that sounds terrible.
If it was really funny and... I love the sound of that.
Okay, I love you, you're brilliant as a listener.
I'm so delighted to have you as a listener to the show.
My radio's broken, I can't change the channel.
Thank you very much.
You're good looking as well.
What kind of job do you do?
I'm a DJ on Sheets Music.
Right.
Hey, thanks for listening everybody.
We'll be back next week.
Have a great week and don't forget about Jesus.
Yes, exactly, because that's what all the fuss is about after all.
Yes, have a good time.
Let's hope the weather clears up.
Thanks a lot, Al Gore.
Thanks for ruining the weather.
And we'll be with you again next Saturday on BBC Six Music.
Goodbye.
Bye.
If you enjoyed the Adam and Jo podcast, then why not try the John Richardson podcast?
Download it now.
bbc.co.uk slash six music.